Insecurities

I was an insecure child,
My body hair and big thighs my permanent friends,
I was too slow too fat,
A constant topic for jokes,
I found solace in my books
Cause they never judged me for my looks,
I was so deep inside them,
So full and so surrounded by them,
There was no space left for anyone else.
I was not the subject of anyone’s appreciation,
Neither the topic of someone’s poetry,
But I was fine with it,
I knew my path early on,
And was walking on it since a long time,
There were pangs of insecurity and uncertainty,
But I knew what was destined to be.
I grew up, became a woman,
Got rid of body hair, lost weight so I could love myself a little more,
Enough to feel happy, enough to feel comfortable, enough to forget my insecurities,
But the comfort didn’t last long, cause someone came to my door.
Trying to enter uninvited, trying to break in in the subtlest way possible.
I refused to let him in but it didn’t work,
I tried making excuses,I told him he’d be over it, I didn’t want to be rude.
His definition of love was my definition of red flags, I was terrified and confused.
When nothing else worked I tried to bargain,
We could be friends but nothing more, I carried it along like a signboard with me, my mandatory condition,
Trying to fulfill my side of the bargain,
He violated it often, with his words because that’s the only chance he got,
He was not happy with the bargain,
So he took it out,
Hurled words like rocks on  me,
Pinched and tugged at my long forgotten insecurities,
Insecurities that I had long locked in a box and discarded its key.
He told me I am not as pretty as I think,
He tried the petty trick of invoking my insecurities,
He picked at my bruises so bad that the pain made me forget everything good about me.
I kept ignoring it and like a fool kept fulfilling my side of the bargain,
Even when he had forgotten all about his,
And yes it was my fault that I considered him a friend, that I overlooked his deeds, and no one can tell me otherwise,
After a lot of back and forth after forgiving a million times, I decided to kick him out of my life,
I was tired of talking about the same thing to my friends, I was tired of seeking solace for my bleeding insecurities and tired of feeling inferior and somewhat envious of girls I did not know, it made me feel like a petty person, a person who’s not me,
I was tired of his hypocrisy,
He wanted only the truth but gave me only lies in return,
He wanted me to be the medicine to his sorrow and a friend to him for life, a friend who received only pain in return, a friend who had become just a reflection of his own insecurities,
So kicked him out, because I shouldn’t have let him in.

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5 thoughts on “Insecurities

  1. oh why don’t we heed those warning signs as they arise … all relationships should be kind and supportive or we should walk away …

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Exactly! That’s how things are supposed to be…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. no seldom do women ever heed warning signs … we believe our love will ‘change’ them … we sure need to wise up!

        Liked by 1 person

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